


Damian's (Other) Crush

by jor77



Series: The Damian's Crush Saga [2]
Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-19 05:57:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13698246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jor77/pseuds/jor77
Summary: “If you can’t flirt with a lamp, you can’t flirt with a person.”“...There’s nowaythat is true.” Damian argued.





	Damian's (Other) Crush

“Where have you been?”

“Quite a demand-y way to open our conversation.” said Jason, having just come home to find Damian in his living room _yet again_. “Maybe try ‘Sorry for continuing my absolutely _abhorrent_ behaviour of breaking into your home any time I want to talk to you instead of using the phone like a normal human being.’”

Damian was sprawled out on the couch, like a cat. He chose not to respond to Jason, instead popping one of the grapes he stole from Jason’s fridge into his mouth and slowly chewing. Jason stood over him, arms crossed. After an amount of time that Damian deemed sufficiently irritating, Damian swallowed the grape and replied:

“I’ve been waiting here for two hours, Todd. My time is _very_ valuable.”

“Shouldn’t you be at school right now, brat?”

“Like I said, my time is valuable.”

Jason rolled his eyes. “Whatever. What brought you to my humble abode?”

Damian sat up, making room for Jason. His expression faded from the standard resting brat-face to something more vulnerable.

“Everything ok, Damian?” asked Jason as he sat down.

“Everything’s fine, Todd. I just… need some advice.”

Jason scanned Damian’s face, trying to figure out how serious this was about to be. He couldn’t get an accurate reading. “Advice about what?”

Damian took a deep breath and turned his head to face the window. “…There’s a girl.” His ears were burning red.

“Oh.” said Jason, the biggest shit-eating grin growing across his face.

“-tt- I can feel you smirking, Todd, you bastard.” growled Damian through gritted teeth, still facing the window.

“I’m not going to apologise for finding this adorable.”

“I’m not going to apologise when I kick your fucking he—”

“Do you want advice or not, brat?”

Damian sighed. “I’ve never flirted before. I need to learn how.” He turned his head toward Jason, cheeks puce. “You’re the most… _capable_ person I know in that regard.”

“Damn right.” said Jason, smugly. “This is super embarrassing for you. You must really like this girl, huh brat?”

“She’s…” Damian smiled. “ _formidable_.”

Jason couldn’t contain his snicker because _Jesus fucking Christ that was so Damian!_

“Are you going to teach me how to flirt or not, Todd?!” snapped Damian.

“Alright, alright.” Jason hushed. “Before we do any theory, let’s see what you got. Let’s pretend _I’m_ your cru—” Jason stopped himself, remembering that Damian has a crush on _him_ too. A crush which he is contractually obliged (seriously Damian made him sign a fucking contract) to never bring up. Also, Damian’s 12, so Jason probably shouldn’t ask him to flirt with him, hypothetical exercise or otherwise. “Let’s pretend… uh… that lamp is your crush.”

Damian inspected the lamp in the corner of Jason’s living room. “B-but… it’s a lamp.”

“It’s a nice lamp.” defended Jason. “It’s very… bright and… slender.”

Damian gave Jason a look that he had never seen before, like the kid was genuinely concerned for his mental well-being. “Actually, it’s not bright. It isn’t turned on.” Damian pointed out.

“That’s because it hasn’t been flirted with yet.” Jason wanted to hug the kid for handing him that home run. “Go on, flirt.”

“It’s a _lamp_ , Todd.”

“If you can’t flirt with a lamp, you can’t flirt with a person.”

“...There’s no _way_ that is true.” Damian argued.

“Just go put your best moves on the goddamn lamp.” ordered Jason.

Damian stood up and tentatively approached the lamp. He glanced back at Jason. “Do I pretend it’s her or do I interact with it as if it is a lamp that I’m courting?”

“Her! Obviously her!”

Damian scowled. “There’s no need to snap at me, Todd. I’m just trying to learn.” 

“I’m sorry.” Jason gestured towards the lamp. “Go ahead.”

Damian took a few steps forward so that he was face-to-bulb with the lamp. His body was even more rigid than usual somehow. He tilted his head down and stared at the lamp, like a crazy person in a Kubrick film. “Good afternoon, Jessica.” he began. “You have unusually large hands for a girl of your age. Your grip strength must be incredi—”

“Oh my god stop. Stop forever.” Jason interrupted.

“ _What_?” whined Damian. “I was just starting to get into it.”

“Is that how you talk to this girl normally?” asked Jason.

“No.” replied Damian. “I just assumed that flirting involves complimenting physical appearance.”

Jason didn’t even know where to _begin_ with that. “Flirting has absolutely nothing to do with what you say.” he said as he stood up and approached Damian and the lamp.

Damian blinked. “Explain.”

“You like Jessica, yes?” Jason asked. Damian nodded. “And she likes you?”

“I’m… moderately certain.”

“Then there’s nothing to be nervous about. The key is to just be casual. Watch.” Jason turned to the lamp, which was getting a lot of action today. Good for it. “Hey.” he said, to the lamp. He leaned against the wall, oozing confidence and charisma. “I’ve always thought Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me is Lynch’s most underrated film and possibly even his best.” Jason turned to Damian again. “See, I’m having the same conversation I would be having with the lamp, but I’m just more relaxed and confident. Because I know the lamp wants me just as much as I want it. And because I’m so relaxed and confident, the lamp is now…” Jason flipped the switch on the lamp, illuminating the corner of the room. “turned on.”

“Confidence.” echoed Damian. “But… every time she looks at me I want to kiss her and run away at the same time and I feel sick.”

“Why?” Jason quizzed. “You just said you both like each other. You and her are going to get together, it’s inevitable. You flirting with her is just speeding up the process.”

“But what if she rejects me?” _Aw._

“If you go in thinking she might, you’re fucked. Put that thought out of your head.” Jason paused, realising how Damian might take that. “Now, obviously if she says no then that’s it. Don’t be a shithead… But she won’t so don’t worry.”

Damian nodded, taking everything that he just learned in. “I think I’m ready to try again.”

Jason stepped back. “The floor is yours, Casanova.”

Damian mimicked Jason by leaning against the wall casually (for Damian). “Hello. I’m currently bidding in an online auction for a genuine 19th century iron maiden. I’ve always been fascinated by historical torture devices. Do you have a favourite, if you don’t mind me asking?” He turned to Jason. “Better?”

Jason gawked at him, mouth agape. “… _Yes_?”

“I thought so.” said Damian, pleased with himself. He checked his watch. “I should be leaving.” He quickly left the apartment, stopping halfway out the door to say “I learned a lot, Todd… thank you.”

He closed the door. Leaving Jason standing awkwardly beside the lamp. “Lord save that girl.” he muttered to himself.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Common Interests](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13704861) by [Limne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Limne/pseuds/Limne)




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